Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Hurricanehink (talk · contribs) 00:56, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I agreed to review this on IRC. I'll be giving the article a read-through and giving my review here. --♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 00:56, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

• I think the first sentence could be redone. It wasn't that persistent (particularly with Philippe later in the season), and it doesn't mention the location at all.
• "It gradually strengthened in response to favorable upper-level conditions, remaining nearly stationary for a couple of days" - the layman might assume that the strengthening caused it to remain nearly stationary for a few days. Maybe you should mention its stationarity in the subsequent sentence, which is where you also mention steering currents.
• You never mention the peak winds in the lede. How come?
• "While moving little" - I think that's a poor way to start a sentence
• "the storm supported moisture that caused beneficial rainfall over Bermuda." - that seems overtly and unnecessarily fancy. Try de-fancifying it
• Where did the surface low form on 7/16? Some sort of distance to a location would be nice
• "Although a circulation flow was initially lacking and surface" - at first, I read it like that (see Garden path sentence). I think the "lacking" here could be better worded
  • Better, but (I just noticed), why not just circulation instead of "circulation flow"? --♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 02:06, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
• "At 2100 UTC the next day" - the previous sentence doesn't mention a date, so I would establish the date here. It's just my personal rule of thumbs, but I think it helps reduce confusion
• "the cyclone very slowly drifted southward" - it reads odd to me, having the two adverbs before the verb. Are you opposed to a more standard wording of "cyclone drifted very slowly southward"?
• "Satellite images acquired on July 18" - the "acquired" is weird here
• "Despite the unfavorable conditions, Bret retained its intensity" - what intensity? You say that it weakened from its peak, so it's ambiguous what sort of intensity it maintained
  • This is still ambiguous. --♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 02:10, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
• "however, intermittent bursts of convection reignited south of its exposed center, partially due to briefly variable upper winds" - I'm not quite sure what's being said there :P Try making it clearer/less wordy
• Was the TS watch in Bahamas upgraded when Bret became a TS? If so, that should be established
• "Outer rainbands spawned a waterspout that reportedly touched down on eastern Paradise Island" - "reportedly" is a word that you should avoid, as it implies doubt. If it was reported, say "that was reported to have touched down", or something.
• "As Bret lifted out of the area, it drew in a large mass of dry air limiting chances of much-needed rain to subdue a large wildfire in the Okefenokee Swamp" - comma please in there!

All in all pretty good. --♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 01:20, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I discussed some of these issues with you offsite, and have addressed any remaining ones. Hopefully it looks better now. Auree ★ 01:59, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]