Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one available that he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, in a parody of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Roger and Francine role play as a husband and wife, though they can not agree with mutual backstories.

Stan freaks out when he discovers that Steve's new girlfriend (a Goth named Debbie) is fat, but when Hayley, Klaus, and Francine point out that Stan is just as fat as Debbie, Stan takes the news to heart and goes on a crash diet...which turns him anorexic. Meanwhile, Roger falls in love with Debbie.

Stan loses his confidence when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation, and plots his revenge. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls, and the saga of Roger's golden, jewel-encrusted turd continues.

Stan gets passed up to speak at the Republican National Convention and is desperate to speak at anything Republican. When he creates a play based on Abraham Lincoln and his close male friend, a local chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans choose Stan to be their speaker. When a twist of events cause Stan to get the treasured speaking spot, he implores the party to let the Log Cabin Republicans in to expand their base.

After discovering Francine is looking for some excitement in their marriage, Stan gets in the driver's seat and becomes involved in drag racing to spice things up. Meanwhile, Hayley breaks up with her boyfriend Jeff, who joins Steve's world of online gaming.

After Steve begins taking his relationship with his girlfriend to a new level, Francine develops empty nest syndrome and tries to convince Stan, who recently had a vasectomy, to have another baby. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a college professor and Hayley finds a new crush in her classmate Ethan (Elijah Wood), but they find out he's a bit crazy.

In the distant future, a human-again Klaus tells his grandson the story of how Francine reignited Stan's youthful passion for figure skating by becoming his skating partner. In the subplot, when Steve thought he bought a pair of Soviet-era military binoculars from a catalogue, it turns out to be an attractive Russian mail-order bride, which causes a big fight amongst Steve and his friends for her affections.

When Roger helps Steve see how stupid Stan is, they run away to New York to become successful. But Roger puts all of the money they both had into the New York Stock Exchange which he thought it was a Hollywood Stock Exchange, and ends up losing their hotel room and their money. But the only way to fix this is by them becoming hookers, in the style of Midnight Cowboy. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is certain that the two have just run away to the tree house, which is promptly destroyed during a lightning storm, which is home to three squirrels re-enacting scenes from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

With Stan's Christmas spirit at an all-time low (thanks to special interest groups trying to make the holiday season more politically correct), the Ghost of Christmas Past visits him and tries to show him the true meaning of Christmas by taking him to 1970. However, Stan is convinced that Christmas can be saved by killing Jane Fonda. Meanwhile, Roger from the 70s finds a tape from Stan with music from 1974 to 1980, claiming it's from the future and becomes rich and famous as the inventor of disco music.

President George W. Bush comes over to the Smiths' house for dinner after Stan wins an essay-writing contest, prompting Hayley to drill him on the Iraq War and his administration's questionable actions. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger try to get the President to open up on Osama bin Laden's exact whereabouts, but ultimately get the President drunk, something Hayley exploits in an effort to bring him down once and for all.

Stan turns entrepreneur and opens a teddy-bear factory when he feels he is slowing down at work. But when he discovers that quick profit equals hard work, he resorts to using illegal aliens for cheap labor. Meanwhile, Roger begins to take over Steve's rock band.

After Roger comes to believe that he and Steve have grown apart, Roger befriends a lonely little boy who turns out to be physically abusive. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine team up to save their favorite soda – Mr. Pibb – when a tour guide tells them that Mr. Pibb is going to be discontinued.

While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War and strives to expose it to the public. Meanwhile, Roger stalls during a game of Jenga with Hayley.

A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe that the world is coming to an end, and takes his family out into the backcountry. When a survivalist outdoes Stan in wilderness survival, Stan admits he was wrong and returns his family to Langley Falls, however Stan has a new problem as the survivalist is stalking Hayley (his time away from women a breaking point). Meanwhile, Roger seeks to marry a Jewish woman in order to take advantage of wedding gifts, but she chooses to marry the survivalist instead.

Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she will stop asking questions, but how far will he go to stop Francine from saying "I told you so"?

Stan feels his marriage is on shaky ground after discovering Francine's secret sex garden (Francine planted one rose bush for every man she slept with, and, because of her sexually promiscuous past, she has the biggest sex garden in the country – one that has tour guides and an ancient tribe who has never seen a white man), so Francine bets with Stan to be with another woman and see that sex without love is meaningless. Meanwhile, Steve drinks some of Hayley's Cougar Boost energy drink and begins acting like a meth addict.

Stan brings some special CIA equipment home to eavesdrop on neighbors, discovering what they really think about him. To get back at them, he has the entire neighborhood evicted, even his own family. He later finds out that everybody hates everybody. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve team up to scam businesses out of money by threatening to file lawsuits against them for faulty quality/service.

While on trial, Stan recounts the time he led his son and his friends on a cattle drive (with cattle that were infected with mad-cow disease) in order to make them more manly (after discovering that Pearl Bailey High's phys ed classes are no longer brutal and competitive). After eating the face of a calf he made Barry kill, he starts to suffer from mad-cow disease. Stan takes them on a cattle drive through town and almost kills them all. A pair of inspectors from the USDA tries to stop them, but Steve and the others get them into the local farm, infecting the entire supply. At the trial, Steve, Snot, and Barry stand up for Stan, saying he did help them become men, except Toshi, who demands that Stan is dangerously insane and must be locked up. Naturally, nobody understands him and believe he said a tear-jerking plea. The judge drops the charges and everything returns to the way it was, like all this never happened. Meanwhile, Roger starts a cat fight between Francine and Hayley after he unintentionally gives one a little more attention, all so he can get a free t-shirt.

Roger and Stan become bounty hunters after discovering that Jeff is wanted in Florida for smuggling marijuana. Meanwhile, Steve believes he has psychic powers after getting electrocuted from hot-wiring a car.