This review is transcluded from Talk:Tom Dadour/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Nominator: Steelkamp (talk · contribs) 08:38, 15 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Reviewer: Michael Aurel (talk · contribs) 10:15, 9 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Marking out a place here – I'll read through the article soon, and hopefully provide my review within the next day or so. – Michael Aurel (talk) 10:15, 9 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

This looks to be pretty close to GA standard; the comments below are all fairly minor in nature, and are mostly just prose suggestions.

• Worth considering that we say in the lead that he became an independent in 1984, but we don't seem to use that word in the article's body
  • Added to body.
• Hmm, in the lead we say he became an independent in 1984, but in the infobox we give the year as 1983. The article's body seems as though it supports the latter?
  • The latter is correct. My initial research led to me thinking it was 1984, but I later found more in depth sources that show its 1983, and I had updated the body but not the lead.
• He worked to have the Local Government Act amended – any context we could potentially provide here? For instance, I'm assuming this is Local Government Act of Western Australia – if so, perhaps we could say "the state's Local Government Act amended"?
  • Done.
• He was outspoken in his opposition to the 1979 closure of the Perth–Fremantle railway line by his own party, and in support for a ban on tobacco advertising – maybe add "his" before "support" (or similar) for parallelism? (ie., I currently read this as "He was outspoken ... in support for")
  • Done.
• Sydney suburb of Waterloo, New South Wales – nitpick really, but I think it feels more natural to give places name in order of their size (ie. from biggest to smallest or vice versa). Perhaps there's a possible rephrasing here?
  • Rephrased.
• He met his future wife, a midwifery student from Perth – to be picky, technically everyone meets their wife. Perhaps add "When at university he met his...", if this is accurate?
  • Reworded along those lines.
• Dadour was elected to the central ward of the Subiaco City Council on 20 May 1966 to replace the retiring E. Congdon – "replacing" (with a comma) in place of "to replace" maybe?
  • Done.
• He came close to being defeated – could perhaps try a different opening to the sentence, as we start with "He came close" just a bit before
  • Reworded.
• unfavourable redistribution which removed – optional, but, per MOS:NOFORCELINK, consider adding a brief explanation of "redistribution", in brackets or otherwise
  • I've reworded it to "unfavourable redistribution of his seat's boundaries", which is hopefully clear enough.
• Committees that Dadour was a member of were the – could just say "Dadour was a member of", as both have "committee" in their name
  • Done.
• Since the early 1960s, there were proposals for boundary changes to the City of Subiaco – unsure about the tense here; "had been"?
  • Changed to "had been".
• The City of Nedlands wanted the area between the northern end of Winthrop Avenue and Pelican Point transferred between – "to be" transferred, perhaps?
  • I think it is fine as is, and its shorter as is too.
• between the two local government's to neaten – no apostrophe
  • Fixed.
• Parliament condemning the Tonkin government's – Tonkin is linked and has his full name given just below, recommend doing this on the first mention
  • Done.
• In 1968, the state government also wanted the City of Subiaco to be abolished and replaced by the City of Perth north of Nicholson Road and the City of Nedlands south of Nicholson Road, to reduce the number of local governments in the Perth metropolitan area from twenty-seven to seventeen. – hmm, possibly this is my own misunderstanding here, but it's not entirely clear to me how this would have reduced the number of local governments by ten
  • This was part of a wider plan, which I have clarified within the article.
• Dadour became known for verbal aggression, which annoyed those within his own party, and in June 1973, escalated to him punching – I read this as "Dadour ... in June 1973, escalated" because of the comma placement – perhaps change this to "and which, in June 1973," (or similar)?
  • Done as suggested.
• receiving a rake-off from prostitution – I must admit I hadn't heard of the term "rake-off". Google labels it as informal – is there potentially a better word?
  • Reworded to "share of proceeds".
• Dadour said his position was that prostitution be allowed but regulated as it was inevitable that prostitution took place – "should" be allowed, maybe? Perhaps rephrasing/punctuation is needed here
  • Reworded as suggested.
• aimed at making it harder for Aboriginal people in the Kimberley region to voting – to "vote", I think
  • Fixed.
• opposed by Premier Ray O'Connor and Cabinet – "his" cabinet, possibly, if I'm not misunderstanding this passage?
  • Reworded as suggested.
• defence on the issue of abortion – optional, but possibly worth saying whether the position he was defending was in opposition to or in support of abortion
  • Interestingly, the source doesn't say his own position. The source says "On one visit the priest asked me my views on abortion. Tom jumped in and said 'she thinks what I do on abortion'. I said outside 'Tom, you don't know what I think about abortion' and he replied, 'they don't know what I think either'."
• He remarried Joan in 2004 – any reason to refer to her by her middle name?
  • Joan is the name she goes by, rather than her first name.

Nice work with this article – nice to see, in particular, the usage of books as sources. I think I've probably gone a bit above the GA standards in a few places, so don't feel obliged to touch on everything. I'll hopefully perform the last bits of the review (eg. citation checks, copyvio, etc) shortly. – Michael Aurel (talk) 05:16, 10 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the thorough review Michael Aurel. I have responded to each comment. Steelkamp (talk) 14:38, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Great, I'm happy with all of those solutions; I'll do the last bit of the review now. – Michael Aurel (talk) 14:55, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Citation checks, randomly selected:

• refs 1 & 3 in "Early life", para 3: checks out
• ref 5 in "State government", para. 1: unfortunately I'm not able to find this source – if you're able to access it at the moment, would you potentially be able to provide a quote?
  • Here's the quote: "Approached by the then Premier Sir David Brand (and urged by the AMA(WA)) to stand for Parliament, he was elected to the State Assembly seat of Subiaco in 1971."
    • Thanks, it checks out then. – Michael Aurel (talk) 15:58, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]
• refs 22 & 23 in "State government", para. 5: should the date be 29 July? Kennedy 2014, p. 119 does seemingly give 29 June, though...
  • It should be July, which I have rectified.
• ref 29 in "State government", para. 6: checks out
• ref 24 in "State government", para. 6 (re 1991 tobacco ban): hmm, this doesn't seem to be mentioned on page 58; I think the citation should be to page 64.
  • Are you looking at the PDF page numbers, which would include the front cover and pages before the introduction? I am using the page numbers written at the bottom of each page, so that someone with a physical copy of the book could still check the source.
    • I'm looking at the quote "Nearly eight years after the initial Bills put forward by Tom Dadour and Barry Hodge, the Tobacco Control Act (1991) banned most forms of advertising of tobacco ..." on the page marked as 64 (on the page itself), but maybe it's also verified on page 58? – Michael Aurel (talk) 15:57, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]
      • I see what you're talking about now. I've added that page to the citation. Steelkamp (talk) 16:03, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

        Great, I'm all happy with everything then. Passing now. – Michael Aurel (talk) 16:06, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]

Nothing else to quibble with – no copyvio issues from what I can tell, and the image has a non-free use rationale. – Michael Aurel (talk) 15:14, 11 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]